It Needs To Stop
I have bulimia. I have been dealing with it for about a year and a half now. I began to realize how it was effecting me and it scared me. I am currently seeking treatment. There is no thinspiration here.
This blog will be about how I am feeling and the process of getting past it and moving on. 100% honesty. I am going to college in the fall and I want to start new and I am determined to.
I am also here for anyone who needs to talk. (Just please try to keep it positive)
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So I’m on vacation now with my mom and step dad/brother. We’re in the northern part of michigan on a lake. We used to come here every summer when I was little but we stopped when my parents split up. It’s never really been the same since. It’s really nice having my step dad here and all but it’s weird. Some places just trigger bad memories and this is definitely one of them.
It’s so pretty up here though. I wish I could just stay here forever (except not in the winter, too cold)
Eating has been going really well no b/p now for over a week. But for some reason I don’t really feel all that great about it.
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Today was a terrible day. My mom was in a really bad space. What she doesn’t realize is that I can’t express my emotions in a healthy way at all. I can’t go into my room and cry. I can’t scream back at her. All I can do is stare.
So I missed yoga and I didn’t want to tell my mom because I didn’t want her to feel bad. So I decided not to tell her and went to the park instead. I was walking around the park and got bored and decided to ggo to my car. In the parking lot I saw a razor blade. I had thought about it before. But today was the first day I actually acted out on it. They weren’t deep by any means and there are only a few. I just don’t know how to feel about this right now.
I go on vacation tomorrow so I won’t have any internet or cell service for a week. I was supposed to see my dad while I was there but he decided to go out to Colorado. So who knows when the next time I see him will be. I’m scared because the cuts are on my leg and we are going to a lake house where we will be swimming/tubing.
I can’t tell my mom because she will feel terrible. I can’t tell my dad because he doesn’t even acknowledge his own issues, let alone mine. I can’t tell my close friends because they don’t understand. And now I can’t see my therapist for atleast 2 weeks because of vacation.
I just don’t want it to become addicting like the b/p. I mean if I would pick up a disgusting razor from a parking lot who know what else might happen.
I’m sorry this is so negative. I am thinking about maybe telling my mom about it because I just increased my medicine so I think that might be what’s causing it. I just don’t know anything anymore. Then again I never really have.
